Me 301

Why hello there!  You've missed a lot.  I'm sorry, that's my fault.  Let me fill you in - bullet-point style first, and then I'll elaborate.  (That way, if you don't like reading or just don't like my blogs, you can get the point quick without having to get too much into it :P haha)

1. I'm Catholic (sort of...).
2. I'm single.
3. I'm nervous/excited about college.

And that just about covers the bullet-points of my life as of late.  Now to elaborate:

1.       Last you heard from me in regards to religion, I was agnostic, hurting, and confused.  I felt like God had abandoned me and my life was heading down the toilet.  Because of this idea, I did some terrible things that now I really regret and from these things I will probably carry the scars for the rest of my life.

Well, late in  the night of Saturday, February 27th, 2010, I prayed the rosary for the first time.  I wasn't sure what to expect, to be honest.  My best friend, Emily, is Catholic and she and I had been talking for many many many months before hand, pretty much ever since we became friends in late October of last year.  So I knew a little bit about catholicism, but I didn't know what it would be like for me.  I wasn't sure what praying a rosary was like.  So, I did my research, figured out exactly how you pray the thing, and I sat down in my closet with a little light and I prayed.

Wow.  Just... Wow.

Something that I had read in my research on how to pray the rosary was that, for first-timers and for returners, you should ask for something.  Huge.  Like a miracle, or the conversion of a friend, or the healing of someone you know, like with cancer or something.  My research told me that Mother Mary would use this to show that she hears us and cares and wants to prove it, that she's not afraid of a little showdown with us and that God listens to her.  So, I asked to know God's love for me, and to know it soon.  I was tired of feeling unloved and alone, and I just wanted to know that God didn't hate me, didn't forsake me, and I wanted to know if He could love me at all.

I didn't even finish praying the rosary before my prayer was answered.  His Love was right there in that closet with me, in such a real form you could almost reach out and touch it.  I was filled with it, overflowing with it, drowning in it.  I couldn't stop crying - not from sadness, but from relief.  Like a forsaken child being held for the first time in its mother's loving, caring arms.  Mary was holding me that night.  Smoothing my hair, telling me it would all be okay and that she and God and everyone else, they all loved me very much.  That I wasn't alone and would never be alone.  Even now, remembering that night, I start tearing up.  It was so breathtakingly, incredibly, unbelievably beautiful.

After that, I made up my mind.  I was going to be Catholic, even if I died trying.  I've never felt this close to God in my entire life, and if I can now find Him in the Catholic church...?  Full speed ahead, I say!

2.     I told Corey and my parents about my desire to become Catholic about a week after that experience, and it's been one hell of a journey since then.

Corey had told me from the beginning that he didn't approve of the Catholic beliefs.  He didn't hate the Catholics, but he didn't agree with them - strongly disagreed with them, in fact.  So when I told him what had happened and that I wanted to become Catholic, our relationship started to die, day by day.  I had been expecting him to be happy for me, because I've been the happiest I've ever been in my entire life since that moment in the closet.  But he was the furthest thing from happy.  He worried about me, said I was chasing recklessly after an obsession, that I didn't love him anymore.  It got so bad that we were hardly able to talk at all, and whenever we did talk, I had to smother everything that was even remotely Catholic in an effort to keep from upsetting him.  Often, I ended up upsetting him anyway.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010, I'd had enough.  We had hardly spoken for more than a month (we had been grounded up until February 14), and things were excruciating between us, they were so filled with tension.  We fought nearly every night.  So I told him that God was first in my life, and that if he couldn't accept not being my #1, then we were done.  We broke up that night, and haven't really spoken since.  I would be lying if I said that I'm doing great - it's been really hard, not having him.  But at the same time, I know I did the right thing.  That, and I still have my God who loves me.  I can and will cling to Him even when the rest of my world crashes and burns.  That's what keeps me going, day after day.

Over Spring Break (March 14-20), I decided that I wasn't going to look for another guy.  Not that I don't want another guy, I just don't want to be the one to go out and go man-hunting.  I'm done with that.  If God wants me to date another guy, it'll be my husband, and it'll be clear.  Until then, I'm done.  Either God will introduce me to my husband, or He's got it in His plan for me to stay single and true to Him.  Either way, I'll be happy because I'll be following His plan for me.

3.      Ever since breaking up with Corey, I lost nearly all of my friends (everyone but my biffle, Emily Edmondson) when I switched churches with my family.  I have a hard time making friends, and the fact that I'll be leaving this fall and heading 9-10 hours up North for college isn't helping.  I keep getting this sort of doomsday feeling whenever I try and make friends at my new church, since I know that these friendships won't last.  I'll know these people for about 6 months, and then I'm leaving.  I fail to see the point of making friends if I'll be leaving them so soon.

This, my lack of knack for making friends, is also the main reason why I'm nervous for university.  It's like I'll be plucked out of my home, from my family and friends, and dropped off in a completely strange and alien place.  I won't know my surroundings at all: not the town, the people, the campus, none of it.  I will be starting over completely, and I'm scared that I won't be able to.  That I won't make any friends, and that I'll be completely alone so far from home.  This terrifies me, absolutely petrifies me.

Other than that, I'm actually looking forward to university - to delving deeper into my passion for Spanish, to studying abroad, to discovering who I really am.  If things go well with me making friends, I think that college will be quite the enjoyable experience.

Anyway, that's me as of late.  I'll try and keep you better updated in the future.

P.S.  I'M STARTING RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults - aka "That class adults have to take in order to convert to Catholicism") TOMORROW!! :D :D

Graduation Never Looked So Bleak...

I had an eye-opener just now.

To clarify beforehand, (WARNING: mushy-gushy hopeless romantic material) I love Corey. I really, truly, honestly do, to the deepest part of my existence. Scoff if you will, but its true. He is the love of my life. I would die if I lost him.

Which makes today so much harder.

A couple months ago, Corey decided he wanted to go into the Coast Guard after graduating this year. Which, of course, I fully support him on. It would give him something constructive to do to keep him busy while I'm away at university. We were expecting that he would go into the Coast Guard this fall, right about (more or less) when I would leave for university. We would make our goodbyes together, and go our separate ways for two years while I finished up my Bachelor's degree. Yes, we were expecting those two years to be dark and hard, but we knew what we were getting into.

My eye-opener just now was that he isn't leaving in the fall after all. He leaves in the summer. Right after graduation. It's so soon, much much too soon for comfort...

I was looking forward to summer vacation with him, going to the movies, hanging out at each other's houses, summer camp, and just... seeing him. So those two dark and hard years? They're now 3 months closer... I only have about 3 months left with him...

If I'm depressed and/or unresponsive, please understand. Just hug me and remind me it'll be okay.

Me 201

To be completely honest, I don't even know myself right now. I'm 99% sure that I haven't changed though. Just my view on life and the world around me has changed. But, I'm still trying to figure out how.

I know that I don't believe in God (or god, if you so choose) anymore, but I do believe in His (his, etc.) existence. But again, that's just a viewpoint. If you had told the year-ago-me about the today-me, I would've told you I was going to hell. A year ago, I was a die-hard Christian, just like the rest of them.

Well, actually I'm still a little confused about that part too. Yes, I prayed the believer's prayer. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I read my Bible every day. But now, I'm not sure how much of that was sincere. Did I pray that prayer, attend church, and read my Bible all for show?

Unfortunately, I can see this being true. Thus, I'm not sure if I was ever Christian, but I know for a fact that, today, I am not. This point has been included in my present "religious" views.

The incredibly good news is that my boyfriend, Corey, and I have finally come to an understanding about all of this. See, he's still a Christian. Still wants to attend church and talk to God and read the Bible, etc. I'm willing to do all of that, but I will never believe in any of it. Not from my present viewpoint. But, for example, he worries about our future as a couple, potentially (and very possibly) a married couple with children. He wants, and I also want, our children to be raised in a Christian home. For them to go to church and learn about God and become better people for it.

While I do not presently believe in God myself, I do see the character and morals that believing in Him has given me. At the same time, this effect could have come from my parents. Again, not sure. But to make him (Corey) happy and to give our kids a chance to be happy, I do want them to go to church and figure out what they believe. Yes, I want them to find their own religion/beliefs, like I have. If their father is a Baptist Christian and their mother is nonreligious, I think they should have a good chance of learning for themselves. They don't have both parents influencing them one way or the other like Corey and I both have had.

Either way, for our future and for our kids, I am willing to go through the motions. I can go to church every Sunday. I can pray with them at the dinner table. I can participate in whatever family Bible studies we have. And if my kids ask me what I believe, I will not lie to them. And one day, perhaps I will even tell them the whole story of what happened, what became of what happened, and why things are the way they would be then.

Would this be lying to them their entire lives? If so, it's only to protect them. To give them their own choice.

Feedback please: do you think this will work the way I'm saying it? Will they have free choice? Should they have free choice?

Maybe I'll make a post later on a better description of what I believe. We'll see.

Is it already that time of year?

Ok, so I have a confession to make.

I hate Christmas music.

Yes, you can play it for Christmas Day, maybe even the week of Christmas, but an entire month before?? Spare me. Please.

That is all.

Merry Christmas. XP

Me 101

First thing to know about me: I'm stubborn.

I'm also secretly approaching agnosticism, if I haven't gotten there already. And I don't want to change that, not right now at least.

Wow, this is the first time I've been able to really talk about this openly. My parents are both die-hard Baptist Christians, my siblings too, and I go to a Baptist church filled almost entirely with sickeningly fake Christians, the kind that cause non-Christians to hate God and the church before they even get a chance to experience it.

And that's not even considering those who've been in the church all their life, like myself. Though, to be truthful, they're not the ones who started this for me. God did this Himself, in my case.

I lost 2 of my best friends within a month or two of each other, both of them ditching me one way or another. It was a very very low and dark time for me, to say the least. It didn't help that this was the time God decided to stab me in the back. I was looking for comfort, for love, for someone to care about me, and He gave me the last verses I ever read. Psalms 88, for the curious ones. Yes, I've opened the Bible since then and read the words on the pages, but they've meant nothing to me since then. God has meant nothing to me since then. I haven't prayed, I prefer to sleep through church when possible. I would skip church entirely, but my good Christian parents would have a fit if I did that. I have no excuse good enough to get out of it either. So I'm stuck in a church that I hate with a God that I dislike.

I do not want to be dissuaded from this, in case you were wondering. Like I said, I'm stubborn, and this is the path I've chosen, for now at least.

This is one of the big parts of my life right now. It feels so good to finally write it all out.

Until next time.