Graduation Never Looked So Bleak...

I had an eye-opener just now.

To clarify beforehand, (WARNING: mushy-gushy hopeless romantic material) I love Corey. I really, truly, honestly do, to the deepest part of my existence. Scoff if you will, but its true. He is the love of my life. I would die if I lost him.

Which makes today so much harder.

A couple months ago, Corey decided he wanted to go into the Coast Guard after graduating this year. Which, of course, I fully support him on. It would give him something constructive to do to keep him busy while I'm away at university. We were expecting that he would go into the Coast Guard this fall, right about (more or less) when I would leave for university. We would make our goodbyes together, and go our separate ways for two years while I finished up my Bachelor's degree. Yes, we were expecting those two years to be dark and hard, but we knew what we were getting into.

My eye-opener just now was that he isn't leaving in the fall after all. He leaves in the summer. Right after graduation. It's so soon, much much too soon for comfort...

I was looking forward to summer vacation with him, going to the movies, hanging out at each other's houses, summer camp, and just... seeing him. So those two dark and hard years? They're now 3 months closer... I only have about 3 months left with him...

If I'm depressed and/or unresponsive, please understand. Just hug me and remind me it'll be okay.

What I Believe / How I Think

Disclaimer: My beliefs (and myself, really) are still under the microscope. I'm still trying to figure out who exactly I am and what I believe. The below beliefs are subject to change as I come to understand myself better and better.

1. One can go from saved to unsaved, simply by a choice. If grace is a gift, one can not only accept (or refuse) it at the first offer, but one can also return (or accept) it later. Think Wal-Mart gift return.

2. God exists, but is either uncaring, cold, impersonal, and distant, or is cruel, unforgiving, and punishing. To a fault.

3. While I am highly accepting, to a point of apathy, of most (if not all) other religions, I do not believe in any of them.

4. I agree with the deist view that all of the different holy books are man-made and should be treated as such. Yes, many/most/all of them are/could be true and historically accurate, but they are still man-made. Any claims to true spirituality are considered false until proven beyond any doubt to be true.

5. I view all religions to be very selective and discriminatory. Everyone believes that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Thus, I don't trust any of them. (See #3)

6. If there are sins to be considered, judgment is one of the biggest. It shows a complete lack of love and/or acceptance of the judgee as a person. You may disagree with their beliefs all you want, but judging them is NOT acceptable. Everyone wants to be loved and/or accepted. There is no sense in depriving them of this just because their god has a different name.**

Judgment = Religious Discrimination = BAD

**This is the point where my church sinks to a very low and disgusting place in my eyes. They have an entire congregation of die-hard "sinners". AKA, they all jump for the chance to judge others.


This is a basic summary of what I believe. I am willing to discuss any point further with anyone. If you have any questions regarding any of these points or regarding any other points that may have been overlooked, please feel free to ask. I'm still working on understanding what I believe. Any questions or serious discussions can only help me to understand myself more.

Me 201

To be completely honest, I don't even know myself right now. I'm 99% sure that I haven't changed though. Just my view on life and the world around me has changed. But, I'm still trying to figure out how.

I know that I don't believe in God (or god, if you so choose) anymore, but I do believe in His (his, etc.) existence. But again, that's just a viewpoint. If you had told the year-ago-me about the today-me, I would've told you I was going to hell. A year ago, I was a die-hard Christian, just like the rest of them.

Well, actually I'm still a little confused about that part too. Yes, I prayed the believer's prayer. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I read my Bible every day. But now, I'm not sure how much of that was sincere. Did I pray that prayer, attend church, and read my Bible all for show?

Unfortunately, I can see this being true. Thus, I'm not sure if I was ever Christian, but I know for a fact that, today, I am not. This point has been included in my present "religious" views.

The incredibly good news is that my boyfriend, Corey, and I have finally come to an understanding about all of this. See, he's still a Christian. Still wants to attend church and talk to God and read the Bible, etc. I'm willing to do all of that, but I will never believe in any of it. Not from my present viewpoint. But, for example, he worries about our future as a couple, potentially (and very possibly) a married couple with children. He wants, and I also want, our children to be raised in a Christian home. For them to go to church and learn about God and become better people for it.

While I do not presently believe in God myself, I do see the character and morals that believing in Him has given me. At the same time, this effect could have come from my parents. Again, not sure. But to make him (Corey) happy and to give our kids a chance to be happy, I do want them to go to church and figure out what they believe. Yes, I want them to find their own religion/beliefs, like I have. If their father is a Baptist Christian and their mother is nonreligious, I think they should have a good chance of learning for themselves. They don't have both parents influencing them one way or the other like Corey and I both have had.

Either way, for our future and for our kids, I am willing to go through the motions. I can go to church every Sunday. I can pray with them at the dinner table. I can participate in whatever family Bible studies we have. And if my kids ask me what I believe, I will not lie to them. And one day, perhaps I will even tell them the whole story of what happened, what became of what happened, and why things are the way they would be then.

Would this be lying to them their entire lives? If so, it's only to protect them. To give them their own choice.

Feedback please: do you think this will work the way I'm saying it? Will they have free choice? Should they have free choice?

Maybe I'll make a post later on a better description of what I believe. We'll see.

Documentation

Let it be known:

Corey, my boyfriend with a memory that functions far better than my own, has this day at this hour forgotten something that I did not.

Thank you. That is all.

Is it already that time of year?

Ok, so I have a confession to make.

I hate Christmas music.

Yes, you can play it for Christmas Day, maybe even the week of Christmas, but an entire month before?? Spare me. Please.

That is all.

Merry Christmas. XP

Wanted by Rachel Diggs

You don’t think you’re special
You don’t think you’re strong
But when the sky is falling
You feel like you belong

It might not be obvious
But you’re not alone
We’re going to let you wander
But never on your own

And I don’t know if I can help you
You could tell me all you need
Its all right, You’re wanted
Tonight it’s alright
You’re wanted

And your expectations
Are killing you slow
You’re getting what you wanted
But pain is all you know

You’ve got a new life now
There’s much that you see
But those that really know you
Are few and far between

And I don’t know if they will help you
Do you tell them all you need?
Its all right you’re wanted
Tonight it’s alright
You’re wanted

And you couldn’t be more wrong
When you say it won’t be long
Til the stars are gone
And you, you’ve got to see
When you bleed you’re never free
‘cause life’s not that easy.

But tonight its alright
You’re wanted
Tonight it’s alright
You’re wanted
Tonight it’s alright
You’re wanted

Me 101

First thing to know about me: I'm stubborn.

I'm also secretly approaching agnosticism, if I haven't gotten there already. And I don't want to change that, not right now at least.

Wow, this is the first time I've been able to really talk about this openly. My parents are both die-hard Baptist Christians, my siblings too, and I go to a Baptist church filled almost entirely with sickeningly fake Christians, the kind that cause non-Christians to hate God and the church before they even get a chance to experience it.

And that's not even considering those who've been in the church all their life, like myself. Though, to be truthful, they're not the ones who started this for me. God did this Himself, in my case.

I lost 2 of my best friends within a month or two of each other, both of them ditching me one way or another. It was a very very low and dark time for me, to say the least. It didn't help that this was the time God decided to stab me in the back. I was looking for comfort, for love, for someone to care about me, and He gave me the last verses I ever read. Psalms 88, for the curious ones. Yes, I've opened the Bible since then and read the words on the pages, but they've meant nothing to me since then. God has meant nothing to me since then. I haven't prayed, I prefer to sleep through church when possible. I would skip church entirely, but my good Christian parents would have a fit if I did that. I have no excuse good enough to get out of it either. So I'm stuck in a church that I hate with a God that I dislike.

I do not want to be dissuaded from this, in case you were wondering. Like I said, I'm stubborn, and this is the path I've chosen, for now at least.

This is one of the big parts of my life right now. It feels so good to finally write it all out.

Until next time.