Me 301

Why hello there!  You've missed a lot.  I'm sorry, that's my fault.  Let me fill you in - bullet-point style first, and then I'll elaborate.  (That way, if you don't like reading or just don't like my blogs, you can get the point quick without having to get too much into it :P haha)

1. I'm Catholic (sort of...).
2. I'm single.
3. I'm nervous/excited about college.

And that just about covers the bullet-points of my life as of late.  Now to elaborate:

1.       Last you heard from me in regards to religion, I was agnostic, hurting, and confused.  I felt like God had abandoned me and my life was heading down the toilet.  Because of this idea, I did some terrible things that now I really regret and from these things I will probably carry the scars for the rest of my life.

Well, late in  the night of Saturday, February 27th, 2010, I prayed the rosary for the first time.  I wasn't sure what to expect, to be honest.  My best friend, Emily, is Catholic and she and I had been talking for many many many months before hand, pretty much ever since we became friends in late October of last year.  So I knew a little bit about catholicism, but I didn't know what it would be like for me.  I wasn't sure what praying a rosary was like.  So, I did my research, figured out exactly how you pray the thing, and I sat down in my closet with a little light and I prayed.

Wow.  Just... Wow.

Something that I had read in my research on how to pray the rosary was that, for first-timers and for returners, you should ask for something.  Huge.  Like a miracle, or the conversion of a friend, or the healing of someone you know, like with cancer or something.  My research told me that Mother Mary would use this to show that she hears us and cares and wants to prove it, that she's not afraid of a little showdown with us and that God listens to her.  So, I asked to know God's love for me, and to know it soon.  I was tired of feeling unloved and alone, and I just wanted to know that God didn't hate me, didn't forsake me, and I wanted to know if He could love me at all.

I didn't even finish praying the rosary before my prayer was answered.  His Love was right there in that closet with me, in such a real form you could almost reach out and touch it.  I was filled with it, overflowing with it, drowning in it.  I couldn't stop crying - not from sadness, but from relief.  Like a forsaken child being held for the first time in its mother's loving, caring arms.  Mary was holding me that night.  Smoothing my hair, telling me it would all be okay and that she and God and everyone else, they all loved me very much.  That I wasn't alone and would never be alone.  Even now, remembering that night, I start tearing up.  It was so breathtakingly, incredibly, unbelievably beautiful.

After that, I made up my mind.  I was going to be Catholic, even if I died trying.  I've never felt this close to God in my entire life, and if I can now find Him in the Catholic church...?  Full speed ahead, I say!

2.     I told Corey and my parents about my desire to become Catholic about a week after that experience, and it's been one hell of a journey since then.

Corey had told me from the beginning that he didn't approve of the Catholic beliefs.  He didn't hate the Catholics, but he didn't agree with them - strongly disagreed with them, in fact.  So when I told him what had happened and that I wanted to become Catholic, our relationship started to die, day by day.  I had been expecting him to be happy for me, because I've been the happiest I've ever been in my entire life since that moment in the closet.  But he was the furthest thing from happy.  He worried about me, said I was chasing recklessly after an obsession, that I didn't love him anymore.  It got so bad that we were hardly able to talk at all, and whenever we did talk, I had to smother everything that was even remotely Catholic in an effort to keep from upsetting him.  Often, I ended up upsetting him anyway.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010, I'd had enough.  We had hardly spoken for more than a month (we had been grounded up until February 14), and things were excruciating between us, they were so filled with tension.  We fought nearly every night.  So I told him that God was first in my life, and that if he couldn't accept not being my #1, then we were done.  We broke up that night, and haven't really spoken since.  I would be lying if I said that I'm doing great - it's been really hard, not having him.  But at the same time, I know I did the right thing.  That, and I still have my God who loves me.  I can and will cling to Him even when the rest of my world crashes and burns.  That's what keeps me going, day after day.

Over Spring Break (March 14-20), I decided that I wasn't going to look for another guy.  Not that I don't want another guy, I just don't want to be the one to go out and go man-hunting.  I'm done with that.  If God wants me to date another guy, it'll be my husband, and it'll be clear.  Until then, I'm done.  Either God will introduce me to my husband, or He's got it in His plan for me to stay single and true to Him.  Either way, I'll be happy because I'll be following His plan for me.

3.      Ever since breaking up with Corey, I lost nearly all of my friends (everyone but my biffle, Emily Edmondson) when I switched churches with my family.  I have a hard time making friends, and the fact that I'll be leaving this fall and heading 9-10 hours up North for college isn't helping.  I keep getting this sort of doomsday feeling whenever I try and make friends at my new church, since I know that these friendships won't last.  I'll know these people for about 6 months, and then I'm leaving.  I fail to see the point of making friends if I'll be leaving them so soon.

This, my lack of knack for making friends, is also the main reason why I'm nervous for university.  It's like I'll be plucked out of my home, from my family and friends, and dropped off in a completely strange and alien place.  I won't know my surroundings at all: not the town, the people, the campus, none of it.  I will be starting over completely, and I'm scared that I won't be able to.  That I won't make any friends, and that I'll be completely alone so far from home.  This terrifies me, absolutely petrifies me.

Other than that, I'm actually looking forward to university - to delving deeper into my passion for Spanish, to studying abroad, to discovering who I really am.  If things go well with me making friends, I think that college will be quite the enjoyable experience.

Anyway, that's me as of late.  I'll try and keep you better updated in the future.

P.S.  I'M STARTING RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults - aka "That class adults have to take in order to convert to Catholicism") TOMORROW!! :D :D